A Settling for Marriage Nightmare!

WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER SETTLE FOR LOVE

Do you want passion; chemistry; soul-stirring kisses; deep-seated lust; a craving heart; pulsating heart flutters? If so, you’d better rethink settling for marriage—because none of the above will apply. ‘Settling for’ means to settle for less. The operative word is … less.

 

loversIs less really what you want? At a certain point in time, say, when a woman reaches close to the age of 40, she may begin to panic thinking she will never find Mr. Right, so she begins to rethink her requirements for marriage meaning, “perhaps my standards are too high,” or “maybe I shouldn’t be so choosy,”

 

Even worse, she could begin to think, “I’d better take what I can get.” Does this sound like you? Well, let me explain what can, has, and will happen when a woman settle for less than she desires in a marriage mate.

 

Following is Diane’s story

 

Diane was a very passionate woman both emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. She had a deep-seated need to express these desires. She’d dated around even while assertively establishing her career. Now at 38 years old, she was ready to settle down and raise a family.

 

At that age you begin to know yourself. Or you should. Knowing yourself is first order priority when looking for a complementary marriage partner. (See other posts on this blog as noted at the end of this post) To continue, Diane described her desires for marriage based on four levels of needs. She calls this her Four-Phase Funnel.

  1. Physical –arousal and desire
  2. Emotional – trust, affection, respect
  3. Mental – stimulation in broadening new experiences
  4. Spiritual – appreciation for divine direction and counsel

 

In her younger years, she had endured a couple failed relationships. Now, however, she was ready and serious for a long-term meaningful relationship that would lead to marriage. To her chagrin, she found the pickings for stable, straight guys were slim to none for the type of man she sought to build a relationship with.

 

What to do?

 

Finally she met Paul. He was nice looking enough and considerate. A bona fide down-to-earth stable guy. Honest to the nth degree with no hidden agendas. And he was generous and kind. His kindness drew her into his sphere and she felt comfortable with him. She’d often hug him like squeezing a giant teddy bear.

 

Paul helped her, as a single woman, in many ways: with home-owner project; with car maintenance; with yard work. Paul did it all. And he loved to cook. How fortunate could a woman get! And so their relationship began. Then in just a couple months, Paul expressed interest in marriage. He wanted to settle down with a good woman and make a home. Diane was thrilled. At last, a man who didn’t play games–a man who wanted to commit.

 

A Time of Assessment

 

Several months in, though, the disparity in their individual needs as outlined in her four-phase funnel began to be revealed.

  1. There was no great sexual passion. At best, lovemaking was adequate. No sparks. No bells and whistles—but life was safe. No thrills—but there was security.
  2. Emotional chemistry between them just wasn’t there, so she felt deprived because deep-down in her soul, without chemistry her emotional needs weren’t being satisfied. Chemistry is either there, or it isn’t. You can’t manufacture it; you can will it; you can’t fake it. So if it isn’t there, how can it be expressed? It can’t.
  3. He wasn’t adventurous—not readily opened to new ideas and explorations. Whenever she’d excitedly suggest doing something spontaneous, he’d find a reason why he needed more time to plan. Whenever she’d share vision of a new exciting project or a business plan to initiate, he showed no enthusiasm at all, he’d quickly find a reason why his work schedule wouldn’t allow it. Whenever she proposed throwing a dinner party, it was never the right time and so forth. You get the point.
  4. He had no interest in anything spiritual. His philosophy was live life best you can. Man makes his own destiny with no need to consult higher powers, which view was vastly different from hers.

 

Diane began to feel an unknown, indescribable, undefined essence missing from her life. She’d found a wonderful man to share her life with, if you went by a checklist, so why wasn’t that enough? She felt stifled. Confined. Stagnated.

 

Then one day it happened …It was the 8th of June on a beautiful sunny day. He proposed.

 

Catching her breath, “Marriage!” she thought. “Just what I’ve hoped for. Prayed for.” But in that very instant, an unsettling wave of other emotions washed over her. Doubts and fears. Suddenly she felt letdown. Unsure. Even sad. Life with Paul would be so predictable. Safe and financially secure, but devoid of goals, no adventures, no complementary differences to generate growth. It would be an ordinary uneventful existence… for a lifetime.

 

Most importantly to Diane, there would be no passion, no bells, no whistles. In the secret recesses of her heart, 120px-French_Kissshe longed for the kiss. The passionate ardor of the kiss. That special sexual chemistry between two lovers. But in light of all the good he brought into her life, his kindness, his protection, his love, couldn’t that aspect of her life with him be overlooked?

 

Pausing now, deep in thought, an epiphany brought her to the reality of the ‘elephant in the room’.

She closed sad eyes and wondered how she would let go without hurting him.

 

Their coupling would be unfair to both of them. Paul was a fine man and deserved heart-felt love in return. She loved him; but was not IN love with him. It was more an appreciation for his kindness. She would never be able to reciprocate his love in kind. He deserved more. He deserved true love as did she.

 

Therefore women who decide to settle don’t really know themselves—that core understanding of the inter-working of their heart. Because if they did, they would realize that to settle and marry the wrong man will not result in the full measure of happiness that fulfilling marriage promises. Neither person would be happy.

 

Notice: This was Diane’s decision. For some women what Paul offered would be enough. It would be perfect for them. For others—absolutely not. It depends on what your emotional needs are and what you’re looking for in life and in marriage.

 

Some would accuse her of being totally into herself; of being selfish, but In the long run, would Diane have been happy with Paul? Would Paul have been happy married to a woman not IN love with him?

 

Bottom line

If you’re looking hot love, passion, and chemistry, but instead simply find comfort and security and the man doesn’t make your heart sing…

 

You’re SETTLING for marriage! … but it’s your decision.

 

Grandma-D

For further information, click on the following posts and pages:

True love

How to date to get married

Relationships Defined – Part I

Call me for Support

How to Date Workbook

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