NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN …
Falling in love with a married man is hardly the desire of most women. Few set out to be his mistress—sleeping with a married man. But those who do succumb—fall hard—and find themselves ensconced in loving a married man with a love hot as the raging fires of Gehenna. You have my sympathy. Because you’re going to need it.
True, some women may set out to have an affair, or a fling, with a married man; however, no one intentionally falls in love with a married man. That won’t be a problem they reason. A few fun dates. Some laughs. Maybe great sex and I’ll be on my way.
Then one day, despite their best intentions, they suddenly realize that the “casual” fling has turned into a full blown love affair. The euphoria of falling into a love haven like that is intoxicating because it is so unexpected. The pleasure draws you in like a magnet to experience joy, elation, ecstasy, and bliss.
The love developed can be insidiously obsessive. This man is the love of your life. You dream about him 24/7. You wait to see his face. To hear his voice. To smell his scent. To touch his hair. To sway in his arms. To get lost in his kiss. To cry in pleasure while making love. He becomes your everything. What’s not to enjoy here?
He’s NOT Yours!
He belongs to someone else and the chances of him leaving her (no matter how bad the marriage is) for you is minuscule. Whether the love affair is mutual or one-sided, being in love with a married man rarely works out in your favor in the end. In fact, it often brings nothing but pain and heartache.
You’ll enter into your next relationship with a damaged heart that will never be 100 percent open to that depth of love again. And that’s the sad consequence of entering into a relationship with a married man. You lose in a most profound way—your chance of experiencing future soul-mate love is severely handicapped.
How many times can you find the right man to give your soul to? How do you find the trust to allow someone else entrance into the deep crevices of your heart again. How often will you find a hearing ear to the extent your married lover listened to your innermost thoughts?
The following years or decades after the breakup, many women find themselves still single and alone because they can’t get him out of their system.
The pain of falling out of love with a married man is even more heartwrenching than they’d realize it would be. Sadly this pain can exact far-reaching if not permanent residual harm.
Let me tell you Kathy’s story:
She met Ted at a social event. Both worked for same company, but at different locations. Initial conversation was light and easy. He was interesting, smart and good looking. She did notice the wedding band; but they were just engaged in innocent conversation; no problem.
Couple months later, she saw him again in after work bar hangout where co-workers would socialize especially on Friday night. “Hi,” he greeted her. She smiled; talk ensued. They shared a couple drinks … And so it began ever so innocently. He was unhappily married yada, yada, yada. She was single and waiting for the right man to come along. What could go wrong?
Kathy found herself caught in the grip as stated above. You know the story: He promises to leave his wife when the children are grown. He promises to leave his wife as soon as his finances are settled—he has too much tied up financially in the “loveless” marriage and cannot leave because he will grow broke. He promises to leave his wife after you, now pregnant, birth the child. And so it goes.
For fifteen years later she battled a no-win situation. Finally she was able to break away and start a new life. The in between years brought her immense heart-ache and pain, yet felt helpless to escape.
How does that happen?
First, with a married man, you only see him at his best for short periods of time. You don’t spend enough time with him to get bored of him, and the relationship never really gets out of the “honeymoon” phase. It’s a constant rush of endorphins and adrenaline — so hard to resist.
Often, a married man spends a considerable amount of money on his “mistress,” whether in the form of lavish gifts or straight out support; giving up that aspect of the affair can be difficult. In Kathy’s case he financially took care of her and the child very well—all the more reason to believe in his love.
Since she had already accepted infidelity with him, considered one of the worst relationship “crimes,” he is unlikely to do anything that angers her enough to cause her to fall out of love with him.
Again she is convinced he is unhappy and not in love with the wife. And as soon as circumstances change, he will divorce and marry her.
And so you wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
The years fly by.
Finally, the kids are grown. They’ve graduated from college and moved out of the house. “When are you going to get a divorce and marry me?”
He hedges again and again.
Does he love you? Has he ever? If I wait just a while longer will he leave his wife?
Uhmm. He no doubt at one point, anyway, loved you. But … NOT ENOUGH.
The Expectations of Loving a Married Man
- 80% of married men just use other women to make their marriage more tolerable. You may be helping keep them together.
- It is entirely possible that someday he may leave his wife, however, you live in the present, not the future, expect no guarantees he will end his marriage for you.
- Since he’s not free to see you in the open, expect last minute trysts at the drop of a hat.
- Your best laid plans are subject to last minute changes because “family” issues arise. Expect cancellations.
- Expect to be spending all major holidays alone. He will be in the company of his family, which does include his wife and not with you–expect to be very lonely during these times.
- Expect isolation. You won’t be unable to share details of your relationship with friends and family as you would in a normal relationship. You will never get to know his parents, his siblings, his children or his circle of friends unless he gets a divorce. That part of his life will be closed off from you leaving you on the outside. Expect to live in the shadow of his life.
Why Married Men do not Leave an Unhappy Marriages
Of course some do—however, in terms of leaving a wife for another woman, not so much. And that’s what I want to explore here. A couple reasons men stay are:
- Most men stay with their family. They have their children to think of and to many men their children mean more to them than their wives.
- They’re comfortable with their home and all the amenities that come with it.
- They don’t want to lose financially in a costly divorce.
- Relationships are complicated; it’s much easier to stay where he is and have an affair.
#1 Reason why men stay in unhappy marriages is …
It’s programmed into their DNA. Man was created with a sense of responsibility in supporting his family. It’s part and parcel of his makeup. So when he makes a vow to honor and cherish that marriage, it registers on an inner level deep inside that he himself is probably not aware of.
This inner sense of responsibility manifest itself in the way he thinks about leaving his wife and family. Following are a couple thoughts some men have expressed:
- Why I didn’t. I am a man of integrity and I keep my word. I want my boys to know how to be men of honor and my girls to know what a man of honor is so when they find one they will be safe. Marriage is much more than the emotion of love or sex or looks. It is a covenant where you set aside your wife and treat her as holy (hence holy matrimony) and when you look at her she should feel there is no other.
- I want to leave my wife, but I don’t want her to be alone. I know she can’t support herself, let alone herself and our son. I don’t know if I should sacrifice my own happiness for my family or what I should do. I just know I can’t leave them.
- There are some men who really are unhappy but stay out of responsibility and guilt. They feel their wife wouldn’t cope without them and sometimes the wife has used emotional blackmail to keep them by saying they will kill themselves if he leaves.
- Sometimes men are just so set in their ways that leaving their wife and starting afresh is pretty daunting. They worry about the things they have built up as a family….a house, and other assets. Its a pretty big move for someone, especially if they have been in a long time marriage.
- With some men, it’s the fear of the unknown. Maybe they have never had to fend for themselves and maybe they are secure in knowing the wife cooks and cleans for him and will accept any kind of treatment he dishes out. What man would leave a marriage when he has two women who love him…one does the cooking and cleaning and providing a nice safe environment, and the other provides for his emotional needs. He has no reason to leave if he has the best of both worlds.
- Lastly, facts prove the long-term negative effects of divorce on children. Many men do not want this guilt laid at their feet.
If you are involved with a married man, best advice is:
GET OUT NOW!
- Dating a married man is a NO-WIN situation as stated above
- You set yourself up to lose
- Rarely will a married man leave his wife for the ‘other‘ woman
- Men often value relationships with their children too deeply to leave
- If you fall in love, the pain of separation (which is 99% likely) is beyond devastating
- Your chances to love again to the same depth, for the most part, is ruined
- It’s just plain not worth it.
My next post will address HOW to make that break. It will be heartbreaking and gut wrenching; probably the hardest thing you will ever have to do. But … You can do it.
Until next time,
For further information on all subjects relating to love, dating, and marriage, check out these pages and posts: