Relationships Defined Part III
Dr. Braun rose from her seat and walked over to the window. Her mind sought words that would both educate and instruct without belittling Julie to keep her self-esteem intact.
“Let’s talk about human nature. About men and the challenge,” she said. “Men love a challenge. Men love sex. And when a man meets a woman he’s attracted to, his first thought is sex. The challenge is how to get it and how soon he can get it. This is his thinking before he gets to know you as a person, before he appreciates your value, and before he considers any future with you.
“Let’s take Rick for an example. In the beginning, he pursued you. Ah, someone new. He enjoyed the intrigue of getting to know you–the mystery of you, the adventure of you. But in very short order, what, the first time you literally laid eyes on him, you gave your all. He’d won the prize first time out with little effort. What was left to pursue? Where was the challenge? Why should he call you? He’d won the prize easily and so set off to pursue other challenges.
“You see, you did not allow enough time to elapse to set a foundation for emotional bonding before giving your all. Not enough time elapsed for him to get to know you as someone very special. Someone so special that he’d have to win you for your love.” He didn’t value you as a prize. Dr. Braun raised her hand halting Julie from refuting what seemed outrageously Puritanical reasoning.
“How he would do that,” she continued, “depends on the situation and circumstances. What matters is that there would be evidence that he put forth time and effort to win your love. And in so doing, you two would establish a ‘history’ together as friends. But you didn’t allow for that time and effort, you simply jumped in and said here it is!
“And he said, ‘Touchdown! And off the first pass! Thank you ma’am.’ ”
Julie cried out clutching her hand to her mouth and slumped in the chair. Clearly shaken, at last she said, “I hear what you say. I really do. But it’s hard to believe that, here in the 21st century, men still reason that way.” Shaking her head in disbelief, she continued, “Even so, I can’t give up this easily. Surely there is something I can do. There must be something I can do to get his attention again.”
“It won’t be easy,” Dr. Braun said hesitantly, “but if you have any chance at all, you have to leave it alone. Don’t call him. Don’t e-mail him. Don’t contact him in any manner.”
“But what if he never calls? I might never hear from him again. I have to explain …”
Dr. Braun shook her head. “Julie,” she said, holding up three fingers, her tone stern, “you have three choices: 1) chalk it up to experience and move on, 2) call him, which means facing rejection if he doesn’t want to see you again, 3) or, if you want something serious from him, then become a challenge and wait it out.
“Even then, if he does call, it will be a little tricky to establish yourself as a challenge since you have already been intimate. What you’d have to do is set the tone and use the magic word “MAYBE.” This word piques his interest because in his mind you have set yourself up as another challenge.
His thinking then becomes, “how can I win her over again.” So you could say something to the effect that you’d love to see him again, dinner maybe. But that after thinking it over, you’d prefer the two of you just be friends and maybe see each other occasionally. Your maybe could trigger his desire to pursue you again at which time you would attempt to follow phases 1-3.”
Julie ran her fingers through her hair, angry lips pouting, “I don’t believe this. You’re making this much too complicated. Why, I can see, and have sex with whomever I want, whenever I want. Making him think I don’t when I do or do when I don’t or whatever sounds like. . . like . . .”
“We call it ‘playing games,’ ” Dr. Braun cut her off. “And the sooner you learn the ground rules and master skills of the game, the better off you will be. It’s cat and mouse. It’s hide and seek. It’s the hunt and the chase. It’s understanding the nature of man as the pursuer and how he views sex and love.”
“We’re not talking about what’s fair, or what’s right. We’re talking about what is. Let’s get a reality check here, Julie,” Dr. Braun scolded.
“It’s a man’s nature to pursue. He wants to pursue. He needs to pursue. His nature to pursue doesn’t change. When either the woman letting him win too easily, or usurping his role as she begins to chase, takes the chase away, he doesn’t like it. And doesn’t respond favorably.
A woman’s job is to create the opportunity to be chased and let the man pursue until you let him catch you — Those are the rules of the game!
In your situation with Rick, he started off pursuing, calling, e-mailing. But how long before you allowed it to be brought to a sudden stop? Why, the chase was virtually over before it began. You see, he didn’t get to know the “real” you. What, you talked long distance a month and a half? That’s no time! You don’t know someone in a couple months.
So, in his mind, nice as you were, not having established any substantive connection as friends, there was little upon which to build an ongoing dialogue. His mindset changed after he’d won the prize so quickly — chase over!”
“That’s life! The double standard has always been–and will always be,” said Dr. Braun. “Besides, think about it, how were you any different from any other woman he meets? In his travels all over the country, let’s say next week, he meets another gorgeous woman. What did you establish with Rick that would persuade him to ignore her and run back to you? …. (Stay tuned)
- Men love a challenge. Men love sex.
- When a man meets a woman he’s attracted to, his first thought is sex.
- His challenge is how to get it and how soon he can get it
- Your challenge is to establish value first
- To remember to win by value not your sex
Next we’ll investigate the red flags Julie should have noticed.