Relationships Defined Part IV
“Remember, there are many more women than eligible men. You have to set yourself up as the gold medal–as someone worth pursuing. Establish your value–not your sex. Sex he can get anywhere … your value is priceless.” Julie turned away, her eyes filled with tears. There was nothing left to say.
With these words, Dr. Braun continued reasoning with Julie about using time to build a friendship first, as the basis for a sound relationship that has the potential to grow into the love that she desires leading to marriage. Now she continues.
“And here’s another point that makes this situation even more untenable. Rick is a newly divorced man. That itself should have sent up a red flag if you were looking for something more than good times. Nine times out of ten, a newly divorced man is out for diversion, something to do. The last thing he’s looking for is another emotional involvement.
“Generally speaking, it takes two years to begin to unload the emotional baggage from a previous relationship. If you were looking for a serious commitment, it generally won’t happen until a man has freed his mind from the past. It’s best to avoid a newly divorced man. Yours was simply a case of two people on the rebound. You met. You loved. It’s over.”
“Ok, ok, ok. Points well taken,” Julie said wiping her eyes. “I need some fresh air. Give me 15 minutes.” She got up and walked out into the crisp winter air. A gust of wind sent a chill. She wrapped her coat tight. Standing momentarily in deep thought, she inhaled deeply and exhaled trying to clear her head as she walked around the block.
“So now, what should I have done,” Julie asked as she resumed her seat back in the office.
Dr. Braun noted the defeatist attitude. Attempting to cushion her words she said, “Julie, we’ve all done things that maybe weren’t so wise . . .”
Shaking her head no, Julie interrupted, “Don’t patronize me now. I’m a big girl. Just tell me the truth.”
“Very well. Remember you mentioned the villa had two bedrooms and you had intended to sleep separately? You should have. As it turned out, you slept with a virtual stranger. That wasn’t exactly challenging.”
“So how soon is too soon?” Julie asked.
“You can’t put a date on it,” answered Dr. Braun. “But I can’t emphasize enough the importance of completing stages 1-3. You MUST complete those stages. Here’s some food for thought. Let him pursue you long enough to have established some history between you. Six months to a year perhaps. Certainly not 30 days or even 90 days.
There was an article in Cosmopolitan years ago that discussed the 90-day man. It said he’ll wine you and dine you, love you and leave you somewhere after he’s feasted on you and your sex until he’s greedily satisfied–at around 90 days.”
“Oh come on! How do you expect me to hold onto a man with that old-fashioned philosophy?” Julie shouted. Stages 1-3 or not!
“Hold onto a man! Julie, Julie, Julie,” Dr Braun said in exasperation, pausing to remain calm. “Ok, let’s rethink that thinking. How about his being concerned about holding onto YOU! You must start thinking of yourself as the prize. Not him. Let’s face it, the odds are stacked against women as far as the ratio of men to women is concerned.
There are many more women than men. That’s one reason why women tend to be so anxious. They see a man. Chase him. Use their sex for bait. Grab and hold on for dear life. But it doesn’t work well that way.
“You see, he’s looking for someone he wants to grab hold of. The more you chase him the faster he’ll run. Or the more he will treat you as a doormat, or lose respect for you. Remember, you are the prize. Let him chase until he wins you.
Human nature laws set the pattern. Man as the giver and pursuer. Woman as appreciative receiver. Men seek acknowledgement; women seek adoration. By nature the pattern is set to let a woman relax and let a man take care of her needs (the nurturing support of a man’s romantic affections, friendship, and companionship).
Most often a man defines himself by finding a plan, purpose, direction in life. Once he’s settled with this, he is ready to create a relationship to support him in making his dreams come true. He feels a need for a woman to share the rewards and benefits of achieving his goal. The opportunity to share his success with a woman gives meaning to his life.
When a man is attracted to a woman he gets excited because he anticipates that he can make her happy and that in turn makes him feel really good; it brings the best of him out. He sees her as a prize and thinks, “how can I win her, how can I please her. And he goes into action by asking her out on a date because he hungers for the opportunity to make a woman happy. It fulfills him to make her happy. Her happiness is his happiness.
A man’s gift is to be responsible for a woman’s fulfillment, while a woman’s gift is to be responsive and receptive to his gift. Let him give. Let him purse. Think of this. A major cause of depression in men is feeling not needed. A man becomes depressed when he experiences that what he has to offer is not needed. This is why appreciation is so important to him. When a man feels needed, then his confidence and sense of purpose increases. Automatically he feels more responsible.
When a man feels needed, it can bring out the best in him. A key point is that men don’t feel needed unless they are appreciated for what they do. Without appreciation, a man loses touch with his purposefulness.
Julie, listen carefully to this. Here is what a majority of women don’t understand. When a man gives it is his pleasure to give. All he wants in return is acknowledgement that you appreciate his efforts. By responding in a warm and friendly way to a man’s romantic gestures you are already giving back.
You are under no obligation to please him in return. Certainly not sexually. When a man can fulfill a woman’s needs a simple smile and a thank you from her are plenty for him.
This basic understanding is crucial, and women today are missing it. Quite often a woman feels that she is not giving enough in return. He’s nice to her then she goes into overtime figuring out what she can do in return, and feels obligated to give more. But that thinking sabotages budding relationships.”
We’ll continue with the next post discussing another BIG mistake women make that sabotages budding relationships.
Let’s wrap this session up summarizing a few key points:
You are the prize. Your love is special. It is your unique gift. Don’t be so anxious to hold a man that you relinquish your love to someone who doesn’t appreciate it. Put a value on yourself and insist he value you, too.
- Let the man pursue. Learn the skills of the game to get what you want from the relationship–not selfishly–but in ways that please him as well. This will ultimately bring happiness to the two of you.
- Learn to use time as your best ally in gaining the love you desire.”
Part V coming up.
Look for Part V next,