Relationships Defined Part V
When you give more than you’re getting, or give your all before you receive what you want, you’re setting yourself to be disappointed. Learn to receive, and not sabotage yourself by refusing to see this is what men want. They want to give to you; make it easy for him.
Instead of just being flattered by his desires, she feels obligated to give. Most often she gives in to being more physically intimate than is appropriate for their relationship stage. Instead of letting him continue to please her, she shifts gears to trying to please him. HUGE MISTAKE. She compromises her position and he loses interest.
When a woman gives more than she is getting, or gives all of herself before she receives all that she wants, she is setting herself up to be disappointed. When a woman shifts from being receptive to his giving to trying to satisfy his wants, he may continue to see her but it is never the same. He becomes less and less interested in her, because it’s not so much what a woman does for a man that makes him happy, but the way she responds to his giving.
Sometimes later in the relationship it is fine to give to a man, but what is great is to receive. As you move through the relationship continue to receive. By being receptive and responsive to what a man offers, you are actually giving the relationship the best chance to grow.
A woman’s position is compromised when she behaves as if the man is the prize and she would like the position of providing the setting. Automatically the romance and attraction will lessen because ultimately he likes much more the experience of winning her over.
Again, when a woman projects herself as the prize, a man responds by wanting to win her over. Bottom line, early in a relationship — where there is no pursuit; there is no interest.
“Now I understand what happened between Rick and me,” Julie whispered wiping away tears. “So how does a woman show appreciation? I’m still confused on this.”
“She learns to compliment him.”
“Yes. You see, women have made dating a lot more complicated than it needs to be. When a woman compliments a man it encourages him to continue pursuing her, it makes him feel more confident in his ability to win her over, and it makes him feel more successful and thus more interested in her.
This is how it works. Men feel most liked and complimented when the results of their decisions and actions are acknowledged and appreciated. It is crucial that a man experience repeatedly that he can make and is making a difference in a woman’s life.
Men always thrive in a relationship when they feel needed and appreciated. When a woman can respond to the little things he does then his affection, attraction and interest have a chance to grow.
For instance, he takes you to a movie that he selects and buys dinner afterward. What do you say? You smile and say:
“I can’t remember when I had such a good time.”
“I’m really glad we went to this movie.”
How does this affect him? His response is the same as if he had written the movie. Since he provided the movie that pleased her, he feels she is pleased with him. In fact, he feels as if he directed it, wrote it produced it, and even starred in it.
Julie burst out laughing. “You’re kidding me.”
Dr. Braun laughed too. “If you think that was great. Listen to this. When a woman says, “I am having such a great time tonight. I feel so good. The air is so clean and clear. The stars are so beautiful. The moon rising over the river is so romantic,” a man is teleported into heaven.
The more she appreciates the evening, the more successful he feels for having provided it. He feels so proud. This thrills him and he begins seeking new ways to win her over.”
“Here’s your homework. Read “Mars and Venus on a Date by John Gray, Ph.D. from which I quoted above. Next, Rent Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice from a video store. Get the version starring Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle.
The girl, Lizzy, who won Mr. Darcy’s heart presented herself as a challenge to him. She did so even though she had no other prospects, even though she may have become an old-maid, even though there were family pressures to marry. The challenge was that Mr. Darcy had to deserve her. He had to clearly demonstrate his intent.
This proud, handsome, wealthy man’s status in life was very much above hers. Nonetheless, Lizzy allowed nothing to compromise her own value. Not for an instant. She valued herself equally. And over the course of time, by displaying intelligence, a winning personality and confidence in herself, she challenged Mr. Darcy to acknowledge her inherent value. He did. And she won his heart!
“That’s what you need to do. Set yourself up as the prize for the man you intend to love the rest of your life. This doesn’t mean being selfish and arrogant and spoiled. It simply means learning to understand how men think in this regard. Using this knowledge, you then act in ways that will benefit the two of you. Subsequently, he will hold you near and dear as the love of his life.”
“Let’s wrap this session up summarizing a few key points:
- You are the prize. Your love is special. It is your unique gift. Don’t be so anxious to hold a man that you relinquish your love to someone who doesn’t appreciate it. Put a value on yourself and insist he value you, too.
- Let the man pursue. Learn the skills of the game to get what you want from the relationship–not selfishly–but in ways that please him as well. This will ultimately bring happiness to the two of you.
- Learn to use time as your best ally in gaining the love you desire.”
Dr. Braun reached into a drawer and handed a folder to Julie. “This is a paper I wrote on “How to Safeguard Your Heart. Insights from it have helped many women understand how to use time to establish an emotional bond between a man and a woman first, before sexual involvement. It will answer many of your questions about today’s session.
Much of the information is repetition of what we have previously discussed. Hopefully by repeating these reminders time and again, they will register as truth – as beneficial guidelines that will lead you to relationship success and happiness.
Catch up on preceding articles
Read it, absorb it and we’ll talk again.