WHAT IS SEXUAL AGENCY?
Sexual Agency boasts a woman’s right to screw around without guilt or recriminations. But NOT without emotional consequences. We’re talking ROBBERY. Initially, I too, jumped on that bandwagon and rode those wild horses humping hotly without constraints.
Why not! After all, as an expression of modern feminism, I was free to choose whomever, whenever, however as a way to express my sexual agency with him, them, her, it, as long as it was my choice. Men have been doing this for years—now it’s our time. And without the restrictions of yesteryear—who had the right to judge me? No one!
Liberation at last.
Eventually, though, all those “involvements” began playing with my head. Sometimes the one-night stands left me feeling empty and more alone than ever. Other times after a few dates, I felt used; even abused. Then there were a couple guys I really fell for. Our love-making took me into an erotic world beyond and I lost control of my emotions.
I quickly fell in love and began dreaming of my wedding day because with such a sizzling love connection, surely he loved me too. Right? Hmmm not so fast. That’s when I learned a “come to the light” lesson: Men process having sex differently. A man’s makeup allows him to detach emotion from sex. Women generally cannot—especially if the sex is good.
It was then, with this realization, and the subsequent dump, that I experienced my first rip my heart out emotional melt-down. The hellish pain was excruciating, unrelenting, tortuous. Took years to find my way back to normalcy. That confirmed to me that sex is way too volatile to toy with, to experiment with, to engage in for sport.
For women the emotional factor renders random/comfort sex akin to playing with fireballs. Sooner or later, in one way or another …
You will get burned.
But I didn’t know another way. I was still out there looking for Mr. Love and engaged with several Mr. Loves. Then one day I’d had it. Time to get off that going nowhere merry-go-round. How could I continue to do the same thing but expect different results! This owning your own sexual agency thing wasn’t working for me. There must be a better way.
Later I met Ted. After a couple dates Ted expected sex, which I declined stating I wanted to wait to see if anything serious developed between us. Clearly irritated, he snarled, “What makes you think your sex is so special? I can get laid faster than I can get a buck for a cup of coffee.”
He was right. In today’s world that’s true… and that’s the point.
Casual sex is too easy. It’s simply physical release devoid of significance. Singles meet — passion flares — lust is hungrily satisfied. Just as quickly it fades into empty nothingness as each goes their separate way.
Where’s the love?
Feminist call this owning your sexual agency—that casual/recreational sex without ties—sex simply to quench desire—is healthy if that is your choice. Well, tell that to my therapist … but that’s another story.
The sad untold truth is that this casual approach to sexual behavior has devalued something once considered valuable — committed love — that wondrous, intimacy with the one person who holds your heart, sharing an emotional bond that only committed lovers can share as precious gifts to one another.
Non-committed couples are robbed of that extraordinary emotional bond.
Excuse me while I wipe my eyes.
Sexual Self-Respect is valuing the love you have to give to a man as something special because it is the total expression of your love for him alone. Encompassed in that love is your unfailing commitment; your becoming his best friend and confidant; selfless giving; full forgiveness when needed. To fill his heart with laughter and joy. To pledge your loyalty and trust. To render unconditional support. To love deeply.
Aren’t these gifts valuable?
Should a woman offer these gifts indiscriminately? In exchange for dinner? Simply for release?” As college ‘hooking-up’ rituals? As an expression of her sexual agency? Where is sexual self-respect? If you don’t require value for your sexual gifts who will?
To her detriment, when a woman starts having sex too soon with a man she’s just met, she can become vulnerable to offering her heart BEFORE her partner has offered any kind of relationship promise which a casual guy is not going to offer. She could be setting herself up for a walk into rip out your heart hell.
Without heart commitment, what happens when after a few rolls in the hay, he loses interest? What if he never calls again? What if his attitude betrays you were just another lay? In essence, he just blew your gifts to the wind. Stomped on them like used cigarette butts — dismissed them and you as irrelevant and totally forgettable.
Worse yet, random, casual, recreational sex causes couples to miss out on the potent power and magic of true love by requiring so little from it. In time, sex becomes ‘just something to do’. Left is a void. An empty space longing for the intrinsic joy and pleasures of deep intimacy with a committed lover and best friend that is left unfulfilled.
What a tragic loss!
Isn’t it time to return to sexual self-respect vs sexual agency idiocy.
But how do we do this? EDUCATION.
- Understand that owning your sexual agency promotes promiscuity
- Learn to be discriminate in your dating; not just anyone for relief
- If you’re not ready for a serious relationship hold off on dating
- Value your sexuality as something special
- Definitely, do not engage in sex for sport
- Learn what true love is—how to recognize it, then
- How to nurture love into lifetime happiness
- Learn what commitment means and why it’s important for love’s fulfillment
This education will help to safeguard your heart especially if you want to shield yourself from the arrows of indiscriminate sex to instead identify true love and build a relationship that leads to marriage.
If you’re happy sleeping around aimlessly then this article has no appeal to you whatsoever.
Before you leave this blog, look around and read some of the pages and other posts to develop a greater appreciation of the wonderful gift of love available to us when we find a man who will love us equally in return.
Following are links to such pages and posts. Hope you learn a thing or two. And be sure to sign up for Grandma-D relationship tips. You’ll be glad you did.
A more in-depth discussion of this topic on sexual agency is covered in this ebook:
Is Yours An Everyman Vagina
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