Oh, for heaven’s sake, don’t tell me we’re talking abstinence in 2018. How could you find true love that old, archaic way? This is the 21st century. Abstinence is so not happening.
That’s too Unreal.
Not so fast. We’re talking ‘timed-abstinence’– not the biblical abstinence. Huge difference, because the intent is different.
Millions of women hold dear to their virginity until marriage. That’s their right to hold to their religious beliefs. I applaud that. However, the abstinence talked about here, is timed-abstinence which is sex when intimacy has been established first.
What Do Single Women Really Want?
You want love, respect, and commitment from a loving partner.
In this age of hooking-up, many single women feel used simply for pleasure (and in some instances, for financial gain). Full stop. End of story. Especially women who want to settle-down–find a loving husband, have children, picnics and vacations, dogs and picket fences, then grow old together. What they find instead is an unending parade of lovers who have no such intent. Yet, they’re ready to sex you up all day and all night without any sense of “we commitment”. Women want more than hooking-up.
We’re TIRED of it!
Some are fearful of their biological clock running out. Others that their looks are waning, who will they be able to attract? Am I too fat? Too tall? Too short? Not smart enough? Too smart? Others retreat into depression because of rejection after giving all their love. Or regret their one-night stands eagerly waiting for the call that never comes. Many have thoughts of settling for men they don’t really love, to at least be married. Or marrying down, then end up with a man who is forever resentful and jealous of his wife’s success. I know, been there, done that.
What’s a girl to do?
I know a solution that works for women serious enough, bold enough, trusting enough to apply and make it work for them.
Let’s talk ‘timed-abstinence’ which is the process of using time to assess a potential relationship for Intent BEFORE sexual intimacy.
Take a look at the reasoning here based on wisdom as old as time itself.
Safeguard Your Heart
We buy disability insurance to protect ourselves against financial loss due to illness or accident. We understand that.
Yet, there is another agonizing disability from which few people protect themselves. It’s an aching misery from deep inside so debilitating that it forces life’s vitality to its knees. It’s REJECTION — the devastating emotional pain caused by the breakup — your lover’s decision to go his own way — leaving you with a broken heart.
This cruel pain cuts your heart to the quick leaving you shocked and confused wavering between sanity and insanity. Negative feelings swoop down chasing away any hint of self-esteem. Wrenching rejection hurls your shattered soul into free-fall emptiness. And crushing depression temporarily suffocates your will to function.
Many find refuge hiding in excessive sleep. Others indulge in overeating or suffer extreme loss of appetite, endure crying spells, or slip into disheveled appearance. In search of relief, some succumb to drugs and/or alcohol — and in extreme cases to suicide or even murder.
Been there? If so, you know words alone can hardly describe it. One thing you know for sure, you don’t want to go there again! How, then, can we protect ourselves from the subsequent pain caused by the “breakup”?
A look at sexual attitudes and subsequent actions of women from the 50s through the 90s gives us clues. We’ll start with women of the 50s. These women, exhibiting great insight, recognized abstinence as a great source of power.
Abstinence from sexual involvement during the courtship allowed her the power to monitor control of her feelings. From this vantage point, she evaluated a prospective mate based foremost on sound reasonings of her mind, as opposed to the swayable feelings of her heart.
With this clearer focus, she could more easily make relationship decisions that would “benefit” her. During courtship, for instance, she used time to her advantage in many ways to develop a successful relationship.
She spent time listening for his spoken or unspoken intent, knowing that openness or evasiveness reveals all. She knew to listen carefully and never assume. She used time to assess the inner man free from the influence of sexual, emotional involvement that tends to obscure one’s judgment.
She took the time to evaluate him as a lifelong partner free from the worries of STDS, abortions, and illegitimacy. She used time to build an earthy friendship with the man who would be the center of her life. She used time to forge a bond between the two of them based on similar and compatible values, ideas, perceptions, goals, and purposes. In short, time was her best ally in finding a true companion.
She viewed her body, her sex, her heart as one. As something special. Something to be won. Something to be deserved. Something exclusive to be given to a man in deep expression of the love they both shared. She would give this to a man who would value her, cherish her and respect her. Someone who would be there. Someone who offered something of equal value in return. In a word–Commitment.
Free from sexual influence, even if the relationship ended, she could rebound relatively unscathed because, while she loved, she did not give her soul. She did not have to extinguish that inner fire ignited by passionate sexual union. She did not have to squelch that inner driving force that demands possession of him. That begs for his reciprocal love.
Such intense euphoric feelings springing from the heart of passion can seriously cloud a woman’s ability to reason from the mind. She instead, loses emotional control.
Then came “the more enlightened age” of the 60s, 70s & 80s–an age of “freedom” to do your own thing. And the sexual revolution was on! Abstinence was passé. “If it feels ‘good’ do it,” was the cry. And so they did. Virtual strangers coupling in the night. Women giving their all and asking for nothing in return – and receiving nothing in return.
But, the “free” love of casual sex and multiple partners brought only temporary, pleasure. No intimacy. No genuine love. No commitment. Today in the 21st century not much has changed. Sexual ‘love’ is often given on the first, second or third date. What? In exchange for dinner!
Casual, hooking-up sex doesn’t generally work well for women because women and men tend to view sex differently. Women are more emotional creatures and tend to view sex as an expression of caring and love. And especially if the sex is good, they quickly become emotionally attached to the man. Not necessarily so with men. Men can detach any feelings of love from the sex act. To men, sex could simply be a highly pleasurable physical release. You’re willing–he’s able!
Sex early on in a relationship frequently spells disaster. Consider this scenario: You two just met and are wildly attracted to each other. He initiates sex. You consent and enjoy electrifying pleasure. You’re in heaven waiting for his call. He doesn’t. Since you didn’t establish any value for yourself, he didn’t set a value on you either. He didn’t have to deserve you, win you, or commit to anything–you gave it away. It was simply great sex. And he’s moving on.
The bottom line is this: “Free” love is not so free after all. Sex is too volatile and overwhelming a force to use indiscriminately. Used unwisely it inflicts a heavy emotional toll.
Safeguard Your Heart. Avoid devastating emotional pain. Use your womanly power wisely. Don’t give your power away. Control the situation to your benefit. Listen for his intent. Use the “time” element to your advantage to really assess the “inner” man and build a firm solid relationship built on friendship, trust and respect. Value your sexuality so highly that your man values it too–to the extent of commitment. That’s your SYH protection policy.
I hear many women croaking now. That will not work today. Darn it!
I beg to differ, because, guess what … men are still men today as they were yesterday. Only thing that has changed is women’s allowances to settle for crumbs. Instead of placing HIGH value on themselves allowing men to take advantage of what they can—You.
As a result of empowering yourself to valued, respected, and cherished, you will be able to date and enjoy relationships that lead somewhere. You will be able to identify your best match and move along until step four when you have determined your best match and determined it’s time for sexual intimacy based on assessing the inner man. As you grow to know this new man, watch it blossom like the cherry trees of DC in the Spring. Watch as you experience complementary differences that broaden you both.
A book will be published in February 2018, entitled How-to-Date-to-Marry that outlines the six steps involved in embracing ‘timed’abstinence’ and how to make it work for you.
If you want to read more articles like this and be notified of the book’s release, click here. And be sure to share this timely information with your friends.